Nikki Humphrey (00:00)
Have you ever wondered if saying no is unloving? As Christians, we're called to love, serve, forgive, and carry one another's burdens. But that does not mean we should always sacrifice our own peace or well-being. In this episode, we're unpacking what the Bible really says about boundaries, why Jesus modeled them perfectly, and how healthy boundaries can actually strengthen our relationship and deepen our
Hope Mangiafico (00:12)
Okay.
Nikki Humphrey (00:26)
walk with Christ. If you've ever struggled with guilt,
Over protecting your time, your heart, or your family, this conversation is for you. Hi, I'm Nikki.
Hope Mangiafico (00:38)
Hi, I'm Hope. Welcome to Equip Fellowship where friends become family through Christ. We're two Jesus-loving friends on a mission to share personal stories, resources, and real talk about our triumphs, breakthrough struggles, and setbacks. Why? Because we believe you are called to live victoriously, and we are here to equip you with Holy Spirit-led tools and strategies to strengthen your faith.
transform your mindset, create some boundaries, and walk boldly in God's promises. Because here's the truth, you've been given great and precious promises by God. So grab your coffee, lean in, and let's grow together. It's time to step into everything God has for you.
Nikki Humphrey (01:16)
Yes, and let's step into it today, everybody, because today we're talking about what many Christians struggle with. Boundaries. Somewhere along the way, many of us had started believing that being a good Christian means always saying yes, never disappointing anyone, and putting everyone else's needs ahead of our own. But when we look at Jesus, we see something very different. Jesus loved everyone perfectly.
Hope Mangiafico (01:42)
Okay.
Nikki Humphrey (01:46)
Yet he didn't give everyone unlimited access to him. He withdrew, he rested, he prayed, he walked away from crowds, he confronted sin. He said no. Healthy boundaries
Hope Mangiafico (01:47)
Okay.
Nikki Humphrey (02:01)
aren't selfish. They're wisdom. explore what biblical boundaries look like, how Jesus modeled them, and why God calls us to guard what he entrusted to us.
Not with walls that keep everyone out, but with gates that we prayerfully choose when to open and when to close.
Hope Mangiafico (02:23)
Let's dive in with the elephant in the room. Let's just address the big thing of why do we have such a hard time with this,
Nikki Humphrey (02:32)
Well I don't I
never know.
Hope Mangiafico (02:35)
It's crazy and I've noticed.
Nine times out of 10, a lot of the conversations I'm sitting with someone long enough, a boundary conversation comes up. We may not label it boundaries right, but there's this tension, this wrestling of over commitment or trying to sort through what is healthy in a new relationship. And I get it, because we are all people and we interact with people, but I really feel this tension of like,
What is it that makes us feel? Is it just because we wanna be like Jesus and like you said in the intro, we think he did all these things, he's just love, so we gotta be love and we don't pause, pull back and reflect on a lot of the stuff you just shared, which is really powerful.
Nikki Humphrey (03:21)
Yeah, and I think
For me, early in my walk when I was struggling with boundaries a lot and becoming a new baby Christian, I would confuse boundaries with other things. Maybe if I I don't put a boundary up because of fear of being rejected or fear of disappointing somebody or fear of it coming back to me that, you know.
Nikki's got a hard heart or she's like turning rejecting people now that she's this squeaky new Christian, th she thinks she's better than all of us.
I struggled with that for a long time, boundaries. Why do I need them? And why is it important? But it is. We are not called to take on other people's burdens and to try to fix everybody or to give everyone unlimited access to us just because they want that from us.
Hope Mangiafico (04:16)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (04:29)
We need to protect ourselves, for lack of better word.
Because when we give everything that we have to everybody else, we become an idol to ourselves. And we just talked about everyday idols last week. We think we're the person who can fix it. We're the go-to person. Come on in. Let me solve that problem for you. And that's idolizing ourselves that we are the answer to everybody's issue. And we're not. And boundaries protect us from becoming that.
go to person, the person with all the answers, the person who is the source. There's only one source and that is God.
Hope Mangiafico (05:09)
Yes. And that goes to the main scripture. Tell me if you have this written down where it's like, guard your heart, right? Because all
Nikki Humphrey (05:19)
Nine.
Hope Mangiafico (05:19)
things flow from it. Do you have that written down, the reference for that?
Nikki Humphrey (05:23)
Yes, it's Proverbs
four twenty three. Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.
Hope Mangiafico (05:30)
And that came to mind when you talked about how important it is to guard because I feel like life is a journey of understanding what guarding your heart actually means and guarding your heart really breaks down to our everyday language of it actually is creating a boundary for not just your health, your heart protection, your self idolizing, but also for other people because as you were saying, we make an idol of ourself.
They also, people, begin to idolize you and become the source when you said, God is the source. And it's interesting because people, I won't even say Christians, I'm thinking of myself to be honest, you can come up with a million and 10 ways as to why.
You could rationalize, should say, rationalize why you're doing what you're doing. And from a worldly perspective, it looks okay. Both the worldly, like outside of the Christian faith, but even if someone doesn't pause and really reflect on how Jesus did his life, from a Christian perspective, it can look okay. People will validate you overextending yourself all day. That's what it is. You get outside validation.
from other people that you're doing the right thing when all you need is the scriptures telling you how Jesus lived.
Nikki Humphrey (06:51)
That's right. That's it.
Hope Mangiafico (06:54)
That's it. That was my revelation for me just now. That was great. And it should...
Nikki Humphrey (06:59)
'Cause I've been there. I've been there.
And it's a heavy burden to carry when you got the load of everybody else's burdens on you.
Hope Mangiafico (07:08)
But you can distort that and say, scripture says like carry each other's burdens. But there is a caveat to that scripture where every person's also responsible for their own load.
Nikki Humphrey (07:18)
Right.
Hope Mangiafico (07:19)
But we always do have truths. We always teach part of a verse, part of a paragraph.
Nikki Humphrey (07:26)
Mm-hmm.
Hope Mangiafico (07:27)
And I have to say we because I think we all could say anyone that says I'm a follower of Christ has either led that way or been
quote, unquote, deceived in that way. And it's just the reality. We're learning how to undo it all.
Nikki Humphrey (07:41)
Cause Jesus said in Matthew eleven, twenty-eight through thirty, Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden. Jesus is asking you to come to him, not to other people.
Hope Mangiafico (07:52)
Right.
Nikki Humphrey (07:54)
And if you think about it, you can only get true healing from those burdens that we carry through God.
Hope Mangiafico (08:00)
Right, absolutely.
the other catch that I think is really important to complement the scripture you just gave is we often try to do things in our own strength. And I know I'm very guilty of this. If I hear a nugget, we talk about this all the time on podcasts, I run with the nugget. And I think that is what happens when we hear any kind of
wisdom if you will, but especially service-based things in the church.
And again, it looks good on the outside and our biggest hang up, again, this is why this podcast exists, is how do we only go to the Father, going back to what you said that Jesus said in Matthew, to give it to Him, to listen to Him and how He tells us to move.
And we're all learning that.
Now here's something that when I sat with this, you can tell me if this sounds appropriate or not. I got a list of don'ts, which we don't love, but I felt like the father was like, instead of giving people how-tos, the goal is to bring them back in alignment with what matters with God. And so we often pursue the things that he doesn't tell us to pursue. So I got like a list of like don'ts so that once you hear those,
you almost naturally start falling into that alignment and creating those gates and pivot points.
So that said, the first one that he brought to my attention is do not have things that interfere with your immediate family, even if it's just you. So if you're married, you've got kids, of course, that's got to be your priority. But even if you're single right now, you've got to have your own lack of a better term rules that prioritize the things that you know, because you have the scriptures to guide you what is important to the father.
And so family slash self rules force these boundaries and actually allow you to live out Matthew 5 37 more clearly. I love this, which says, let your yes be yes and your no be no. We often say yes to things we don't want to, which means we're actually being double minded and it makes us unstable in all that we do, which is quoted from James 1 8. And I started thinking about that and I was like, you know, Lord,
The more I try to make sure that I protected what's under my roof, and he's the roof, for what's under my roof, the more I more confidently say yes and mean yes and no and mean no and know that I don't wanna be double-minded in my walk with Christ. I don't wanna be unstable in all that I do, but I need help in getting that stability and that first step of getting help is having these.
Well, I could better term, for a season at least, unwavering rules. That keep the main things the main things.
Nikki Humphrey (10:56)
And to complement what you're saying, once you have those rules in place or there's guideposts or there's non-negotiables in your life, when somebody asks you to do something that contradicts one of those, I teach this all the time, you just say no.
And that's a complete sentence. We as a s society try to overexplain why we can't do this, that, or the other thing. And we try to we're 20 minute conversation about why we can't do it. Whether it's just
Hope Mangiafico (11:29)
Nikki.
Nikki Humphrey (11:30)
like, no, I'm sorry, that's not gonna work for me. That's it. No,
Hope Mangiafico (11:36)
Have you?
Nikki Humphrey (11:37)
period.
Hope Mangiafico (11:38)
have, okay, you've told me personally this before.
Nikki Humphrey (11:42)
Yeah.
Hope Mangiafico (11:44)
It is still so difficult to accept that no is a complete sentence.
How did you get to that point of standing on that confidently?
Nikki Humphrey (11:55)
I can stand on that confidently and say no and not even think twice about it because I know the negative impact of saying yes to that particular situation. The what the if I do a cost analysis in my brain, that's gonna cost me more at that time.
than for just saying no. Some things I'll circle back to, some things I'll put off and some things it's a no and that's that's it.
Hope Mangiafico (12:26)
That's good. That's really good.
Nikki Humphrey (12:28)
But the more confident
you are and the more you don't care about how the other person's gonna react.
You can you just stand firm in your faith. That would be my no is almost I stand on that just as much as like my belief in God.
Hope Mangiafico (12:45)
But that kind of goes back to why he's telling me that how did like how to do this is you
Nikki Humphrey (12:49)
Right. Yes.
Hope Mangiafico (12:51)
get an alignment
Nikki Humphrey (12:52)
Right. That would be like somebody questioning my faith or like telling me God isn't real. I'm gonna think you're a cuckoo for coconut.
Hope Mangiafico (12:58)
Amen. But that's amazing. And I'll be honest, like, I mean, I'm journeying that out still. It takes all that I am to just stand firmly on two letters.
It's hard, but if we pause and we figure out, you don't have to in that moment, but I believe the Father wants to take us all on the journey of why do I feel that need to defend, to defend myself.
Nikki Humphrey (13:24)
Because we think we're the source for that person. So we feel
Hope Mangiafico (13:28)
Full circle moment.
Nikki Humphrey (13:29)
like if we don't pick up the phone or text back or meet up or do the thing that they asked, that's it's gonna have a nug negative impact on somebody else. But again, going back to the beginning, I'm not the source, God is.
And we as people are not always available, but God is. And people need to learn that.
Hope Mangiafico (13:51)
So good. And it makes me think about peace, right? Like, and we, again, talk about this all the time, but as I sit and think about myself, going back to let your yes be yes, no be no, when I say yes to something that my heart is saying no to, there's no peace.
I try to again rationalize it to bring peace, let me tell you something. We cannot create peace within ourselves. Literally, I have tried and tried and tried. There's not enough amount of rationalization that can get me there. Still learning that, but it's true.
There's a reason why he's the Prince of Peace. The source of both knowledge of burden carrying, of peace, of all of it. And it's funny that you said, Nikki, like you've been able to like stand on it and not be swayed by what someone else says. And that was my second don't is outside voices do not get the final say of what you should or should not do.
And I thought about that. And again, I have to take this to the father myself of like, why do I still allow outside voices to get the final say? And you could probably elaborate on this more, but it's like, well, Hope, you're still not in full alignment with the father. You're still looking for your identity somewhere else. That's what it boils down to. Our lack of boundaries is we're looking for identity elsewhere.
Nikki Humphrey (15:25)
Yeah, and that's when you can say, It sounds like you have more to say about this, but I'm telling you it's a no. So this conversation is over.
Hope Mangiafico (15:35)
Mmm.
Man, you're fire. Just your, I love like, your conviction in your boundary setting is so powerful, Nikki. I could listen to it, just. Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (15:45)
It's a gate. Like I always say, it's a gate, not a fence. And I'm
in charge of it and I'm standing in front of it. And sometimes it's good. Sometimes I get a a phone call or a message and I'm just like, I don't have the emotional capacity to do this.
Hope Mangiafico (15:58)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (16:00)
When I do, that person is going to get a call or a text back. But right now, I can't. So my gate is shut. But in an hour or a day or two
that gate's gonna be open. And only we know what those non-negotiables are for us. So if the gate's closed, it's closed. So we're not continuing that conversation right now. Yeah. And you can just be, you know, nice about it. Sounds like you have more to say about it, but I'm telling you it's a no for me. So this convers, you know, there's
Hope Mangiafico (16:23)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (16:33)
nothing more to say right now.
Hope Mangiafico (16:34)
I'm trying to use a transition that compliments that so well because it's so, like, just, it packs a punch when you present it that way. And I know it's because the conviction aligns with your faith. And I think that's why just listening to you is like feeding me. And I was thinking about how it's landing on me and how I'm processing it. And what I feel like I'm supposed to say for myself and a listener is, Nikki is giving such good advice, but here's the...
The addendum, if you will, because I know what our brains often want to do is then say, how long is that time that I need to protect? know, like, let's say I don't have the emotional capacity. Sometimes we're computing in the back of our brain, well, maybe in 30 minutes, right? I just need a short break, maybe a day, a week.
Like we have to allow for what Nikki is saying to settle so deep in us that we don't think ahead and think, okay, we'll circle back tomorrow. You don't know from day to day. And I'm speaking to myself, which is why I really was trying to segue into that well, because I get so stuck on, okay, I'm okay protecting myself. Actually, I'm a lot better at that. But I still am like, why does it take me so long to need this protection? You know?
We need to get past that. And that goes to what you said in the intro that we're struggling with guilt over protecting our time.
or in protecting our heart, our family, all the things that are important to the father. And again, we've talked about this on episodes. can't remember which one specifically, but like we have to live in the now. And the now is you're faced with this thing, you have to say yes or no to, and call it a day. Maybe tomorrow, Nikki said, she circles back, maybe. Well, no tomorrow.
Nikki Humphrey (18:27)
That's where you lead on lean on the prompting of the Holy Spirit.
Hope Mangiafico (18:31)
Yes!
Nikki Humphrey (18:31)
Because I w a couple weeks ago, this is a good example. My a good friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in I don't know, six months or a year, left me the kindest voice note and I was so excited to get it and receive it. But I just was like too busy to give this person
Hope Mangiafico (18:49)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (18:50)
my undivided attention, even to send a text back. I wanted it to be thoughtful and intentional.
And I wasn't blowing it off because it was too much or overwhelming. Like I was excited to do it, but I wanted to give it the time and attention that it deserved. And I think it took me like over a week to respond back. And I responded back with a voice note and I I was like led with I was so excited to
Hope Mangiafico (19:14)
Yeah. Thank
Nikki Humphrey (19:16)
hear your voice note and went on from there. But it's not always sometimes boundaries just aren't tip for.
protection of something bad coming away. Sometimes, like you said, Hope, it's just our peace and our mental capacity for load at that moment. And some things we want to handle with more care. So it's going to take a little bit more time to cultivate a thoughtful response instead of just flipping back a half-hearted text message or voice note.
Hope Mangiafico (19:53)
Capacity, so good.
You and I have talked about capacity, expanding our capacity for things. You know, one thing that has, I have noticed that, especially for women, made it very hard to be like, okay, I don't have the capacity right now and they drop it as they play that comparison game. And I have been, as of late, observing some people.
that I'm just around more frequently, how they'll be doing some work, pick up their phone, send like an emoji and move on. And I'm like, did you even read that? And I've just been observing. And I think a lot of people operate that way. And if I'm not careful, this actually crept in in the situation I'm giving, I'm like, Hope, why can't you do that? And I have to shut that question down very quickly because I'm very much like you. I want to give things my full attention.
But if I'm not careful, I play the comparison game and I'm like, man, they can just beep, bop, boop, boop, do hit like 12 different forms of communication all at once and work. And then I'm like, no, that's not what Jesus would do, even through a simple text message.
Every form of communication matters to the Father because it's the way that we convey Him.
We should not go half-hearted into anything. And sometimes that means you wait a week, like Nikki gave in her example. Sometimes it's a heck of a lot longer and we cannot be afraid of what someone's response will be.
And you, led into the third don't without even knowing. Because you said, this is where we lean into Holy Spirit. And so the third don't was you have to avoid unhealthy relationships that God does not lead you to because you may not be ready to handle it. And the examples, I got two. One was Proverbs 22, 24 through 25, which is, not make friends with a hot tempered person.
or you may learn their ways. And the second one is very similar, Galatians 6.1, which says, brothers and sisters, if someone's caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. but watch yourselves or you may also be tempted.
And I think about the times I have without following the prompts of the Holy Spirit and done it in my own might, did something, I became tempted, maybe not the exact sin that someone may be struggling with that I'm trying to help them with, but something that definitely is not aligned with the Father. Maybe it's interfering with,
my marriage because I said yes to something that was unhealthy and so that's still creeping in in a sinful way. He knows what we can handle when we're mature enough. You know makes me think about when people get taken out of let's say addiction right and they're like I'm gonna go straight into like where I got retained from. No no no no. Temptation is everywhere.
Nikki Humphrey (22:56)
Yes. That's so true. When I talk to my high school girls, I'm like, before you go out to a party or before you even get your social life, whatever you choose how to socialize in high school, you have to have your personal boundaries. Like what do you believe in? What is a yes for you? What is a no? What's a non-negotiable? And go out.
with that in mind. Because if you don't know where your personal boundaries are, kind of like what you're saying, Hope, and you go out into the world, you're more apt to get swooped into the crowd. And even if you're not doing it, you're guilty of by association. Everybody thinks you're doing it even if you're not.
Hope Mangiafico (23:42)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (23:43)
Even if you are with like for example me, with a group of moms and they're all gossiping, even if I'm not the one gossiping, I'm with the gossip.
Hope Mangiafico (23:52)
Yeah. Yes.
Nikki Humphrey (23:55)
So it's having your boundaries in place and saying a no thank you to those invitations.
Hope Mangiafico (24:05)
Yes.
And realize that makes me think about going back to guard your heart. If you do not have boundaries up and let's use the gossip example that you just gave. You are not gossiping but you were in there and maybe your ears just picked up on things and your best friend heard something that came from this group of women and she saw you with them because you did not have the boundaries up to walk away for example. Now
You have to figure out how to clean out the heart because now there's such a big issue. Whereas boundaries naturally guard the heart and it's actually a lot, believe it or not, it is a lot easier to recover when you have boundaries. They do the guarding for you.
Nikki Humphrey (24:52)
And another thing about just being in that group of gossips, and if that's against the alignment with your boundaries, it plants the seed of gossip inside
Hope Mangiafico (25:03)
Yes.
Nikki Humphrey (25:04)
your mind. So even if you are not a gossip, but you heard a piece of information about somebody, now it might have you questioning their character or who they are, or wow, did I have the wrong perception about that person? Because
Suzuki is saying this. And so it gets you all tangled up in the mind and causes you to, you know, what you focus on, what you find. So then you're looking for that in that person that they're gossiping about. And then you're like, aha, they were right.
Hope Mangiafico (25:42)
So true.
Nikki Humphrey (25:44)
How long it was just gossip and who knows if it was true or not.
Hope Mangiafico (25:48)
Well, that seed, you know, you're talking about seed and you,
always said that boundaries are a gate. And when you said a seed, I was thinking like, anytime you're around anything that's not aligned with the father, it opens the door.
Nikki Humphrey (26:01)
Mm.
Hope Mangiafico (26:02)
It opens a gate that was not supposed to be opened.
And I know your example you just gave, I 100 % have been guilty of way too many times.
Nikki Humphrey (26:12)
you're like looking on social media or just like you got your antenna up when you're around them, like how are they gonna respond?
Hope Mangiafico (26:19)
So sad.
And that's why it's always good to remove yourself or avoid it altogether if you're able to. The Lord will tell you through Holy Spirit when you're supposed to be helping or in a certain scenario or situation. And it's interesting too, not only like watch yourself because you may be tempted, but also like you may learn their ways.
So it makes me think about how kids are sponges and they absorb everything that their parents say, do whatever, even if the parents think that whatever, the kid's not absorbing it or paying attention. And even as adults, even if we do not realize it, we learn passively.
We pick up on words, actions, movements, culture.
And it's very dangerous for us as followers of Christ to believe that we cannot learn new negative things. And I fell into that camp.
I really did. As soon as you think that you have enough guards up or gates, know that you need to back it up because you're wrong.
Nikki Humphrey (27:32)
I just told that to my daughter the other day. She was telling me something and she was struggling. I'm like, well, aren't you still in that devotional? And then she's like, no, I just thought I didn't need it anymore. And I'm like, yeah, as soon as we don't think we need something, the enemy uses that as a tactic.
Hope Mangiafico (27:49)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (27:52)
Like open the gate. He's like running in.
Hope Mangiafico (27:55)
You don't need it or like you said, their gates, you're in control of them and you can move them at any time. If you keep the gate the same all the time, the enemy is gonna still come in because life has seasons. We're moving, pivoting. You don't give it up altogether that we are tempted to, but rather you pivot. So let's say you stop the devotion for some reason. Well, did you fill that with something else that still leads you in the right direction?
Nikki Humphrey (28:22)
Yeah, 'cause if you didn't, you're the door is unlocked. It's open. The gate is like the latch is not down.
Hope Mangiafico (28:31)
Right, there's no hinges actually, it's gone.
Nikki Humphrey (28:34)
Yeah.
Hope Mangiafico (28:37)
Yeah, I think for a long time and maybe a lot of other Christians aren't this way. It goes back to your intro of like you are, you know, saying like I didn't want to, I was kind of afraid because I didn't want people to think the squeaky clean Nikki, you know, I she was so much better than other people. And I think I was guilty of believing though once I said yes to Christ, like I would just figure things out because you, if you get the teachings that, hey, you got Holy Spirit, you can fall.
guilty, if you will, of believing then, okay, cool, things are going to be a little bit easier. I'm not going be met with these challenges. I'm going be protected. He's got me. Like, you can distort actual truths very easily and be deceived and then you become, full circle moment here, your own idol. Oddly enough, because then you become self-sufficient.
Pretty amazing.
Nikki Humphrey (29:31)
And if we think back to Proverbs four twenty three, guard your heart. When you think of a a guard, like a security guard or somebody, they're always discerning. They're always scanning the environment. They're always looking around.
Hope Mangiafico (29:46)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (29:46)
And that's the same what we need to do. It's just like take the information, discern it. Like, is this for me? Is this not for me? Am I responding? Am I a yes or am I a no? Just to always be on guard.
Hope Mangiafico (30:04)
So I can hear pushback on this. I actually have had pushback on this when I have suggested something like this before, because to people that seems very overwhelming, right? Like, my gosh, now I'm over the top, over analyzing. Got these antennas.
freaking out. It's kind like what you said about the gossip planting the seed that, I got to be, I got to have my antennas up. And I think that's our first interpretation, but I think Nikki and I both can attest to that is not the truth.
Nikki Humphrey (30:31)
not what I'm saying at all.
Hope Mangiafico (30:34)
But that's the first interpretation. You're like, wait, how do I even enjoy life if I gotta be frozen half the time observing everything?
Nikki Humphrey (30:42)
But if you know your list of non-negotiables and you know where you're at in physical,
Hope Mangiafico (30:45)
Okay. Okay.
Nikki Humphrey (30:47)
mental, emotional, spiritual capacity at that moment, it's not like discerning like you're dissecting a war and peace, like, or trying to like go through numbers in the Bible and discern what all those numbers mean. It's just that discernment from the Holy Spirit of like.
Again, what is my capacity for this right now and what is this in alignment with me or not?
Hope Mangiafico (31:17)
Yeah, as you said that I started thinking about how in scripture I don't know where it says that his law is written on our hearts and as we walk with him our non-negotiable start aligning with him more and more so your non-negotiable start being written in your heart.
So it's not an antenna up, it is that discernment and discernment is a gift. We've talked about this in the episodes of The Guidehead. If you haven't listened to that, it's great. And he has it in us. It is not us discerning, it's him discerning.
I feel like at the end of the day, the Father loves us so much individually and others that if we're unsure, if we just go ahead and say no, and then we pause and like take a moment with Him, He will always redeem something we say no to. That's a good way to say it.
And I believe that, I'm believing that more and more, the closer I get to him.
He doesn't deserve anybody. He's there for Nikki, he's there for me, he's there for the person that needs him that maybe we don't have the capacity for.
And that makes me think of my last don't. We haven't, we've used this word briefly, but the last don't is do not let external peace be your driving factor. That's being a peacekeeper, not a peacemaker. And we have an episode way back in the past about that. So good. So you have to recognize that it's not possible to live at peace with everyone all the time.
And Romans 12, 18 says, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. So this doesn't mean that you can't begin the peacemaking process. Our goal is to be a peacemaker, to stand on the truth, what the scriptures say, who we are, knowing that he loves everyone, all of that. That's our process of peacemaking and we need to start on that. That's our firm foundation.
But what the scripture is really saying is as you follow that instead of being a peace keeper, know, sometimes you gotta ruffle some feathers, the other person may not choose peace despite you trying to set the proper piece if that makes sense. And we have to learn to not let the externals dictate what we do. And I know that that's kind of repetitive in some of the stuff that we've already said. We have to...
define peace by how the father defines peace. You know that peace can actually look like someone being upset.
Nikki Humphrey (33:50)
Mm-hmm.
Hope Mangiafico (33:51)
If at all, if it is possible, as far as it pins on you, live at peace with everyone. You get to control how you feel internally with the peace. They get to control theirs. If it's possible, they'll be in alignment with you, but it's not always possible because they get to choose.
Nikki Humphrey (34:06)
And you have to be okay with that.
Hope Mangiafico (34:08)
Correct.
Nikki Humphrey (34:08)
You have to be okay with their reaction. And if it's extreme, you just have to walk away, disconnect from the call, don't respond back.
Because they're just having that strong reaction to try to get you to change your mind, your stance, you what what you agreed you wouldn't do or what you would do.
Hope Mangiafico (34:31)
And part of that actually, if we separate the person from their actions, which is a very good practice as a Christian, a saying is like attracts like. So if there's anger in them, they're trying to stir up anger in you. That's actually a very spiritual concept, it's, believe it or not actually, but if you separate them from their actions, you can actually see more clearly exactly what Nikki's saying.
It's just anger trying to stir up anger, bitterness trying to stir up bitterness. I mean, it's actually very simple when you can see that. We put your like Jesus lens on and see what it is.
Not easy to do, but very
Nikki Humphrey (35:07)
Yeah.
Hope Mangiafico (35:07)
simple.
Nikki Humphrey (35:08)
Yeah. And you can end the conversation with like, I love you, but I don't agree with your s with what you're saying and I have to go right now.
Hope Mangiafico (35:16)
Yeah.
Nikki Humphrey (35:16)
That's it. Don't over explain your position. They're not gonna hear it anyway.
Hope Mangiafico (35:22)
Anyway, so good.
Even if they're not upset and you're in the middle of over explaining, they're not gonna hear it because they're not asking for it anyways.
Nikki Humphrey (35:31)
Mm-hmm.
Hope Mangiafico (35:32)
Actually, it's probably never heard.
Wow, that's powerful.
All of that said, I think this all boils down to what does actual love look like? How do we operate with love? From the God who abounds in love, who is love, how do we carry that out? Because when you do that, the peace comes, the separation of seeing someone with or without those defects, those actions, however you want to call it, it all trickles from that.
I felt led to close us with Philippians 1, 9 through 10. It's a little bit like a prayer. And it just says, this is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, AKA through the Holy Spirit, so that you may be able to discern what is best. And it may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.
We can't get there without him. We can't love without him. It's him and him alone in our alignment with him.
I would like to say it was my prayer, but it actually is in scripture.
Nikki Humphrey (36:56)
Will that do it?
Hope Mangiafico (36:57)
That'll do it.
Nikki Humphrey (36:59)
Friends, if today's conversation encouraged you, would you share this episode with someone who may be struggling with balance with boundaries? We'd also love to hear from you. What's one boundary God's been teaching you to embrace? Send us a message or leave a comment. We'd love to continue that conversation with you. Thank you for spending time with us. Until next time, remember, guard your heart.
Stuart your calling and let God's wisdom, not guilt, be the gatekeeper of your life.
Hope Mangiafico (37:33)
Until next time.
